First day of school meltdown

The first day of school (sort of - it was half day/prep day/learn to deal with Covid day) for my kids was this past Wednesday.  Tuesday night all seemed well.  Our decision to start the year with synchronous learning from home was sound(ish).  The girls went to bed at the designated time without a fight, and I was able to finish preparing everything I needed to do for the next day.  Then came Wednesday.  It started out okay.  The girls got up at school morning time for the first time in months and were ready to start testing and prepping everything they needed to do before a full day of classroom learning began on Thursday.  They weren't even fighting!  We had a plan to spend some fun time together as a family after we got everything out of the way in the morning.  Then it happened.  We had a gigantic, epic meltdown that put all other meltdowns to shame.  We're talking giant crocodile tears, screaming, hyperventilating meltdown that resulted in a big time out.  Only one first day of school picture was taken, and it's a real beauty.  Are you ready for it?

Yep.  It's me.  I captured this little gem of myself after having spent a large portion of time crying hysterically while sitting on the floor of my bathroom.  I had hidden myself away so my girls didn't see me completely losing my sh*t.  It wasn't pretty, and it resulted in a massive migraine.  What led to this incredible glamour shot you might ask?  It was all because of something that had brought me such incredible joy in previous years, something that I wait for every year around this time.  Back to school pictures.  I usually love them.  There's just something so fun about seeing the excitement on (most of) the kids' faces and thinking about all the possibilities and opportunities that await them.  I especially love seeing all the pictures of my kids' classmates and those cutie pies in their uniforms.  They're adorable.  You would think I would love this even more this year because I haven't seen a lot of those faces since March.  I was still happy to see their faces, but I quickly started falling into a major downward spiral into second thoughts, regrets, and fears.  The decision to keep our girls home was a joint one, but my husband was definitely more comfortable with it.  I had wavered back and forth up until the very last second a decision had to be made, and even then it was probably a 51/49 split.  For weeks leading up to the first day I was trying to see the positives and continuously shoved the negative thoughts into the back of my mind closet.  Well the doors burst open.  My biggest anxiety was feeling like my girls were going to be forgotten or ostracized for being at home when the majority of kids were at school.  I was very surprised to discover that virtual learners were very much the minority.  Both girls are 1 of 3 home learners out of 16 in each class.  I kept crying and thinking, "out of sight, out of mind."  My oldest turns 9 in October, and that is an age where girlhood really starts to rear it's ugly head.  I am so afraid that when she does go back to school in person, the other girls will think differently of her, or worse, not at all.  Girls are mean and vicious.  I experienced many mean and vicious girls in my youth, and that is one of my biggest parental fears.  Feeling left out sucks.  A big part of my anxiety and insecurities as an adult are still influenced by childhood experiences.  Looking at these pictures resulted in a big us vs. them feeling, with us being on the fringes and not a part of things.  Logic and reason were not present on the cold floor of my bathroom that day.  God love my beautiful and amazing mom friends who went out of their way to reach out and tell me how much they love me and my family and how important we are to the school community.  I had several girlfriends text me pics and gifs of my top 3 celebrity crushes to cheer me up as well (Matt Damon, Aaron Rodgers, Joey McIntyre if you're wondering.)  While this all helped a little, nothing could pull me out of my depression.  I completely and totally shut down on Wednesday.  I refused to do anything having to do with school, and I was mad, so unbelievably mad at the state of things.  Once my headache cleared enough to be able to see, I got in my car and drove.  It was just me and my Spotify playlist.  The last five months of Corona crap just came crashing down on me.  Everything just seemed so far out of my control.  I shut down.  I gave up.  I refused to deal with anything or make any kind of decision.  I checked so far out.  This breakdown made me realize just how not okay I have been.  I have been feeling physically ill and so completely drained.  Mental health is much more physical than you think.  I was broken and so completely filled with fear that this is something my kids won't bounce back from.  By Wednesday night I was running a fever, had a massive headache, and could barely move.  Of course I start fearing the worst...Covid.  It's not that irrational for me to go right to that thought.  Working in a public library that is open to the public....I have this fear about every five seconds of every single day.

The next morning I felt like I had been hit by a truck and knew that there was no way I would be any good to anyone at work.  I also was exhibiting several warning sign symptoms (headache, stomachache, fatigue, slight fever, funky tastebuds) that even though I knew were likely stress and anxiety induced, were enough to make some co-workers and customers panic.  Fortunately I have one of the greatest bosses on the planet who understands how much stress I have been under both at home and at work and how that can wreak havoc on your health.  He and my staff and several co-workers have been wonderful and supportive.  It is a blessing because that can be very rare.  In these crazy times, many of us are not taking the time to self-care or even stop for five minutes to relax and recharge.  We're running on empty.  We are literally making ourselves sick.  As parents we are in uncharted territory.  Raising kids in a pandemic was not in any parenting book we may have read, and we are testing the limits of sanity just trying to reclaim any bit of "normal" that we can.  I found myself lying in bed feeling the fear and uncertainty crawling up my skin.  It was the first day that my kids would be going to school with all of their classmates but doing it from the dining room table and bedroom desk.  This was when it would all start.  I dragged myself out of bed.  My mom had requested the traditional pictures of my girls on their first day and said I would regret it if I didn't take them.  My kids were really excited and couldn't wait to start the day.  This made me feel a little better, enough to get through the picture session and post them.  Throughout the day between my bed and the living room couch, I overheard both girls and their classes.  I heard lots of commotion, laughter, and chatting.  My girls were super smiley during lunchtime talking about their morning.  I also heard their various teachers multiple times addressing their "friends at home", calling on the kids by name, and making sure that they were just as involved as the kids in the classroom.  That made me unbelievably happy and so incredibly touched.  I have always loved our school and am so happy that our kids are 4th generation, but this just filled me with such a healing light.  I still have about a zillion worries and concerns, but this makes me less likely to set up camp on my bathroom floor.  I hope that their friends don't forget about them, and I really hope that all of this craziness and madness becomes a distant memory very soon.  The whole thing of some at school and some at home will continue to bother me.  At least at the end of last school year, we were all in the same boat.  There was some solidarity there.  Now it feels very divided.  And there is definitely some judgment there, when there should not be.  These decisions were not easy ones to make, and we wrestle with them every single day.  After school I asked the girls about their day and both had nothing but good things to say.  They love their teachers so much.  We struck GOLD with their teachers!  They told me about being able to see and talk to some of their friends.  It made me feel better, but I know that my oldest is struggling with not being able to see some of her friends.  Some moved, others are in a different class and she isn't seeing them at lunch like she would if she was at school.  She has been remarkably strong and resilient, but I know that it affects her.

It basically comes down to the fact that none of this is ideal.  None of this is normal.  There are sacrifices that need to be made, priorities that need to be refocused, and plans that need to be revised.  I am never going to be 100% okay with any of this.  Hell, even if it wasn't some crazy B movie that we seem to be living in these days, things would never be predictable.  Parenthood is hard as hell.  There are no easy paths to begin with.  I am viewing the fact that I am back at the library and not crying on my bathroom floor as significant progress.

So why did I write and post this?  Part of it is so I can look back when things are just a little bit easier and more predictable, but most of it is because I want parents to know that they are not alone.  I am not the only one to break down and fall apart.  I am not the only one who was already parenting with anxiety and depression only to have it magnified.  I am not the only one who has been clinging to sanity by a thread.  I want to normalize this.  We shouldn't have to hide in our metaphorical bathrooms.  We shouldn't be afraid to say that we are hurting, we are struggling, and we need help.  Everyone needs some kind of reassurance that things are going to be okay.  Temper tantrums and meltdowns are not limited to just toddlers.  Grownups have them too.  If you are struggling, tell someone.  If you need help, ask for it.  Support each other.  Be there for each other.  Send them gifs of a shirtless Joey McIntyre if you know that will bring them even an ounce of joy.  Love one another.  Cheer for the kiddos and root them on in their learning.  Getting back into a school mindset after summer vacation can be challenging.  Realize that it has been five months!  I wish you all a safe, happy, and healthy school year.  If you do find yourself needing to cry on the bathroom floor, know that someone else is doing the same thing somewhere else and know that you are not alone.

I leave you with this year's 1st day of school pictures (2nd and 3rd grade) of my crazy, reasonably well-adjusted children who may have inherited qualities from their mother, heaven help them!