Riding the struggle bus

Greetings, readers.  My seemingly never ending journey on the struggle bus continues.  I am even starting to get some opportunities to be children's librarian adjacent again, but not even that seems to get me out of this funk.  I never thought I'd see the day where I would feel this detached from my chosen profession.  Now believe me, there have been many, many days where this job has kicked my rear end, this past Friday being one of them.  I have seen and heard things during my career that I never in a million years expected to when I became a children's librarian, but sadly that's a reality.  Things are rough.  It's not all sunshine, unicorns, and sparkle.  I have cried many tears and have been so utterly broken down by some things.  But I could always count on the joy of a child, the silly dancing in storytime, or a big hug from a child when I find the book they are looking for.  Being with kids, working with them, and teaching them fuels me and keeps me wanting to learn more and be better at what I do.  It's such a motivating factor that has gotten me through the ugly realities of library life.  I don't get that anymore.  Yes, I still see some kids when they come to the library to get books, but it's not the same at all.  When the highlight of my day is putting together a dinosaur book display and seeing a few of them get checked out, I know that it just isn't enough.  I want and need more.  I am still trying to be positive and be the best that I can during this crazy time.

Being a working mom was already a challenge, but it's even harder for me now.  I am so emotionally spent after a work day, especially when I have to keep telling grown adults to follow directions that are so simple a preschooler does it.  When I get home, I struggle to stay engaged and not dive right under the covers to sleep and do it all again the next day.  Then just living in a negative world sucks the life right out of you too.  I am craving peace.  I am craving happiness.  I am craving normal.

There are going to be some interesting books coming out after all this.  I've said this many times, but it's true.  It's already happening.  I saw a book the other day on my new book shelf about what social distancing means for preschoolers.  Ugh.  It makes you wonder about what their developing little minds are taking in from the world around them.  My 7 year old had a dinner "not a date mommy" meeting with her little bestie the other day.  It breaks my heart that they can't be running around playing together instead of talking about what they would do if they could play together.  My almost 9 year old is planning a Zoom call with her friends for her birthday on the 21st.  This is normal life for them.

When is this all going to end?

It's (supposed to be) the most wonderful time of the year!

Here is another one of those random, rambling posts of mine that I am putting out into the universe so that one day I can look back and remember what 2020 was like. 

It's Fall!  It's October!  My favorite season and my favorite month usually bring me so much joy because I know that it's just the beginning of my favorite time of year both personally and as a librarian.  All the cute outfits and footwear comes out of my closet.  The air is crisper.  The pumpkin spice is everywhere like pixie dust!  Fall always brings the really fun programs, especially ones where I get to dress up and act like a kid more than I already do!  The only downer is that it gets dark so dang EARLY which is not cool at all.  Kids are super excited and enthusiastic this time of year.  There's this energy in the air.  Or maybe it's all the candy!  It's all about imagination, pretending, being thankful, and believing.  October - December is my favorite time to work at the library.

Now of course it's all so different now.  While we are starting to find new ways to have our programs, the dynamic has changed.  Virtual programs are great because we are still able to connect, but there is something lacking in the back and forth that naturally happens when people are working together.  The collaboration is missing that extra layer of....something.  I continue to wonder if things will ever go back to some kind of "normal" that even slightly represents life BC (before Coronavirus) or if this is a new reality.  I have an advantage as a Gen Xer because I grew up having to rely on imagination and thinking outside of the box for entertainment.  Those are skills that I am busting out hardcore right now with my kids.  A lot of fellow parents in my generation are doing the exact same thing.

Even though it is going to be completely unlike anything we've ever done before, I plan to continue to celebrate these next three months.  We can tell spooky stories on Zoom while eating our favorite candies of choice (Milky Way, gummy bears, Twizzlers over here.)  These times have truly made us appreciate friends and family a bit more, so maybe take the time to write an actual letter or make a card that lets people know how you feel.  Make paper snowflakes and sing Christmas carols.  Something really cool that's been happening is that I have noticed a lot more houses in my neighborhood decorated for Halloween than ever before.  I look forward to this trend continuing during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I absolutely LOVE driving around with my husband and my kids looking at lights.  I think there are going to be a lot more displays out there this year!  We have to find opportunities for fun and magic.  Dress up on Halloween!  It's not just for teachers and children's librarians!  Make a handprint turkey!  Not sure if the Macy's parade is happening this year, but have your own!  Don't be afraid to be a little silly.  We have an opportunity to make some great childhood memories for our kids.  While it's not the best thing, use technology like Zoom to connect with family and friends and still be together.  We can still laugh and smile together.

So I say it is STILL the most wonderful time of the year as I sip on my pumpkin spice flavored coffee while rocking my favorite sweater dress and super cute booties that my almost 9 year old wants to steal from me. :)